Over at the village pub last night, my good pal Dave said he had a great idea about how to sort out my marital problems once and for all. This sounded great.
We had a chat. After being subjected to some rigorous psychometric questioning and four pints of Guinness later, it was made clear why I was still married to my wife.
Firstly, I would like to see my dearest children more than once every millennium. Secondly, I didn’t want to hand over all of my wages, pension or any other spare change I had hidden behind the sofa, for her to use to keep her latest baby-faced boyfriend in cheap gold jewellery and a turquoise shell suit. And finally, I didn’t fancy the idea of climbing up Big Ben in a Spiderman outfit with a 10ft 'Dads have rights too' banner.
Now, Dave unashamedly fancies my wife. I’ve absolutely no idea why but it has something to do with sherbet.
He tells me that as a child he loved the stuff. So much so, that he would blatantly steal money from his Mothers purse to buy a packet of the diabetiese inducing yellow gunpowder, every single day.
His friends were enormously jealous of his sudden and fortunate sherbet ownership.
Unfortunately, after a few weeks of continuous consumption he became sick and confused. He was taken to the Doctor and ordered to give up the candy and repay his parents £4.90. He was also grounded for three weeks for being a thieving little scumbag.
Even though he was now completely sick of the sight of sherbet, his friends, who either didn’t have the pocket money or were not petty villains, were still desperate to dip their dirty wet fingers into his paper bag.
Now apparently, the moral of the story is this: you always want something you can’t have, especially from someone who has it, but doesn’t want it…. Puzzled? Me too!
It turns out that it’s me who is now feeling sick and confused and its my mate Dave who wants to dip his wet liquorice stick into my sherbet, i.e. my wife.
So his plan went like this: I go away on business for a few days-lucky me. But before I go I set up a hidden camera in her bedroom. Dave pops round while I’m away to check all is well and she isn’t cutting up my double cuffs. He throws a compliment or two, slag’s me off and gets a couple of Gin and Tonics down her.
He then sweeps her off to the bedroom, hits the record button while she is undoing the bolts to her chastity belt, and then bangs her senseless. All in HD.
I return home, inadvertently finding the offending material and get a quickie divorce on the grounds of adultery with my betraying best mate. "It’s a win/win" he says delighted. "I get laid and you lose the wife but get to keep the kids and cash. Taa daaaaa!"
We both laughed aloud and nodded our heads knowingly. It was funny, but in my opinion it was also deeply flawed.
On the other hand………