My wife and shaun the Scaffolder Parts 1,2 & 3

Part 1

I’ve just turned private eye. It’s exciting, dangerous and I’m not sure I want to know the results of my investigation.

If I am going to leave my wife, then it will be me that has the affair, walks out with a canoe under my right arm, or leaves my clothes on a beach at Yarmouth.

But, it’s my wife, that’s acting very suspicious of late. Texts at all hours, quick trips to the local shop that take longer than a weekend in Devon and thongs! Yes. Thongs! I didn’t know my wife had any let alone wore them.

Having discussed this with a couple of close pals, apparently this is a classic hallmark of an affair in progress. In fact, the only thing lacking to confirm this is a fully re-invigorated sex life-well I never really had one in the first place so I can rule that one out.

And that brings me nicely onto the point that concerns me the most. I’m told that affairs start with an explosion of sex while the messy things like who gets the kids and the CD collection comes a long way down the line. Well, my wife having explosive sex is about as likely as the Pope buying Asian Babes magazine.

So, here lies a quandary. If my wife is having explosive sex on Shaun the Scaffolders pole, I need to find out.

So, my newly found love, the Internet, has turned up a few tantalising pieces of undercover 'Simon Templar' gadgets that will come in handy. Having decided on the appropriate piece of equipment I set about a plan.

So here it is, have you ever seen such a thing? It’s a SIM card reader, that once inserted into a PC, will read the last 20 deleted texts from a mobile phone. Fan-friggin-tastic.

The excitement quickly turned to fear while reading the instructions.

In order to read the sordid texts between her and her hip-hanging tool belt lover, I would need to do the following without anyone noticing: find the offending phone, remove the SIM card-taking off the battery cover and place into a USB device. Then, take this to the PC, insert, and perform a 3-minute program that reads the SIM and places the info onto my computer. Then, remove the SIM from the PC, return to the mobile phone and replace the battery.

WHAT! That is a 20-minute operation that even the SAS would turn their noses up at. My wife and her mobile phone are attached like Torvill and Dean. This will take some planning, but having recently watched a re-run of 'Steven Seagal' movies, I had an idea…..

Part 2

It was 7am and the sun was shining fiercely through my bedroom. My wife was as ever, putting on the slap and getting herself ready for another triumphant day at the office, a simple 50-minute transformation!

I waited downstairs in the study for the moment to show its sorry face and it came like clockwork. She will dry her hair at exactly 7.30am and that little job will take about 10 minutes-on and off.

The key was this; while she is drying her hair she cant leave the room, it’s a military operation getting her blonde Medusa locks just right and feeding the snakes, but not as big a military operation as mine was going to be.

First blast on the blower and off I went like a missile, darting upstairs and then rolling from a high altitude parachute jump into bedroom number two where she charges her mobile. With one swift movement the phone was in my hand. The blower stopped.

This is where it could all go horribly wrong. While she is drying her hair, it's impossible to be in two places at once, but….


Off it went again and trembling like an alcoholic looking for whisky at a bottle bank I took off the battery and released the SIM.

I was behind schedule due to the trembles, but the battery was back on. Phone looked normal. SIM in hand. I was starting to sweat slightly but took an unhurried walk back down to the study like I didn’t have a care in the world.

Blower on again. I dashed to the PC and fiddled endlessly with the stupid USB thingy. I was panicking-it wouldn't go in. Took a deep breath and it was good to go. Ran the program. Downloaded the info. Hey presto and back upstairs.

The dryer turns off and her door opens on the landing as I walked up the stairs looking like I’d been on a ten mile hike (I should have trained for this first). "Have you seen my….....are you OK...….are you having a heart attack?" I’d bet she’d love that. 'Mouth to mouth? - Oh not right now darling.'

I appeased her and the conversation stumbled as it usually does, and she goes downstairs. I had only seconds to get the SIM back in and the battery back in place before she came back up again.

Then I remember, I left the bloody computer screen on with the program results still showing, and she was just about to walk past it and immediately win in the divorce courts on the grounds of harassment, paranoia or both. I could only do one thing and call her back upstairs before she could see it, but only to find me with her SIM card in one hand and the battery in the other and looking more suspicious than a Muslim wearing a rucksack.

I called her urgently. She comes back up. I slot everything back into place with milliseconds to spare. My heart was pounding out of my chest and I fell exhausted to the floor in a red faced sweaty heap, hands trembling uncontrollably. "Oh my god" she said, "you really are having a heart attack…….."

Part 3

Unbelievable!

Having faked a heart attack and risked certain death, I found nothing. But I’m not convinced……

25 comments:

  1. Wow, what a bummer. All that work and no results. But atleast she's not cheating on you, that's good. You'd make a great spy mate, maybe you should switch careers!

    --Konnor

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  2. I know this is a re-post but I'll repeat my previous comment...your blog is fantastic - and this is my favourite post. Keep up the good work.
    plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com

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  3. Good one!!! That was really amazing. Keep it up. I am looking forward to read more from you.

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  4. HA HA lol. This is just what I needed for my blue Monday. I could just picture Jim Carrey or Ben Stiller acting this scene out.

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  5. OH my God! This is just hilarious. I think I love you

    Kate x

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  6. Stopped by read your blog, great read. Please check mine out as well

    http://warriormomwife25.blogspot.com/

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  7. I've been feeling down today but your blog actually made me laugh. I can definitely sympathize with your efforts to catch a spouse you suspect of cheating.

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  8. How do you hide this blog from your wife without getting a heart attack? :)
    My wife is complaining, that I´m using too much time with my blog. So I understand, it cant be that easy to hide :)

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  9. check out my blog tomorrow - you are mentioned! Kate x

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  10. Love this - its hilarious! I have checked a boyfriends phone while he was in the shower once! It took me about 5 minutes to get the bloody keypad lock off, then he decided to have a shorter shower than he usaully does...there's me lying in bed pretending to look innocent while my heart was beating at a stupid rate!I love snooping - so much fun!!

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  11. Omfg, I just had a heart attack reading this blog. Whether it was from fear or hilarity, I'm still not sure...

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  12. It begs the question if, in your panic to read her deleted messages before she noticed what you were up to, you missed reading her undeleted messages completely, and if the evidence you were looking for wasn't perhaps still there.

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  13. What an unbelievable story - Fan bloody tastic!! You've cheared me up and made me shake like I was doing the snooping! Love it! Keep writing - can't wait to see the next post. If you'd like to see a similar situation from a different angle, you're welcome to stop by my blog - I'd love new readers.

    Good luck with your exciting efforts.

    http://darkmemories-happy-go-lucky.blogspot.com/2009/10/other-side-of-sand-dune.html

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  14. I had mostly decided already, but this settles it - I am never, ever getting married!!

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    Replies
    1. Quite frankly, a truly wise choice

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  15. This is just brilliant. I was on the edge of my seat reading this! fantastic work

    Me x

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  16. Pure class, as usual Mr. Danzers. Here's a thought to consider ... 2nd phone! That's how my little ex-bollix got away with it for so long!

    xxx

    Xb

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  17. Anonymous12:10

    hey, come back!! did the missus catch you and deface your manhood? where are you, Danzers???

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  18. Anonymous06:13

    Yeh, where are you? We´re all desperate for the next instalment? Come back. Are you ok?

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  19. Hey thanks for the comments. Have been posted to work in Geneva for a few months and just not had a chance to get to write anything. Will try to get something on in the next few days. Its OK wife not found the site......yet

    Danzers

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  20. Fabulous blog. I really feel for you. Looking forward to more installments.

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  21. Anonymous01:42

    Thank you for one more greet post. Keep rocking.

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  22. Anonymous17:09

    Greetings! I know this is kind of off topic but I was wondering if you knew where I could locate a captcha plugin for my comment form? I'm using the same blog platform as yours and I'm having difficulty finding one? Thanks a lot!

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  23. My first visit to your blog and im beginning to wish i had started mine annonymously.
    I feel i could add so much to the plight of a woman going though a mid life crisis if i were able to talk openly and honestly about my other half.
    Although i am yet to have an affair, i am now concerned about my newly found constant 'intimate grooming' regime, my continuous texting to people who actually want to talk to me (and speak in real words not just in acronym's) and i know not to leave my phone unguarded for more than 20 minutes.
    But can i just say, yes, a womans sex drive does appear to increase at 40, but if your does suddenly pounce on you, just think to yourself, if its not you who has turned her on, what or who has???xxx

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  24. Anonymous04:53


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