I read an interesting article the other day about gay people potentially ruining marriages. Now, I’m not exactly sure what this means or how it works, but I thought it warranted some proper investigation.
It turns out there is an underground of closet gays masquerading as happily married men. Usually with two children, living in a three bed semi in Woking, who are constantly thinking about having an affair with Derek the retired Dentist two doors down. To make matters worse, if I didn’t know I was gay, then it will be thrust upon me, literally, having hit a midlife crisis.
Now, I don’t think I’m gay, but having read a particular article, I'm not so sure. It's suggesting I may only find out my true sexuality by chance when I’m in my forties and bump into a tanned, carefree and welcoming hunk called Bruce in the lift at Selfridges. I have to take this seriously, if only to stock up on Vaseline.
A midlife crisis can apparently be a catalyst for gay feelings to emerge from, and one day soon I may wake up, look at my wife and wish she were Freddie Mercury. I may also be tempted to wear her clothes and walk around the house dusting everything merrily with the Sound of Music soundtrack on CD in the background. I know I’m stereotyping, and I can’t see it myself, but maybe that’s the problem, it sneaks up on you from behind.
A friend of mine had a similar crisis with Porn. Having spent his entire pubescent years desperately trying to find old used hardcore porn magazines in the bushes of public places he suddenly discovered the Internet - a hub of hardcore porn activity that jumps out at you without warning while searching innocently for topics on Bush Tucker - and defected to soft porn. I mean soft porn, what is the point!
He was once an alpha male with a highly prized 'Ben Dover' collection but he's now resigned to being turned on by two almost fully clothed girls, stroking and petting each other in a bubble bath. Disgusting!