My Wife and Shaun the Scaffolder....Part 1

I’ve just turned private eye. It’s exciting, dangerous and I’m not sure I want to know the results of my investigation.

If I am going to leave my wife, then it will be me that has the affair, walks out with a canoe under my arm, or leaves my clothes on a beach at Yarmouth. But, it’s my wife, that’s acting very suspicious of late. Texts at all hours, quick trips to the local shops that take longer than a weekend in Devon and thongs! Yes. Thongs! I didn’t know my wife had any, let alone wore them.

Having discussed this with a couple of close pals, apparently this is a classic hallmark of an affair in progress. In fact, the only thing lacking to confirm this, is a fully re-invigorated sex life - well I never really had one in the first place so I can rule that one out.

And that brings me onto the point that concerns me the most. I’m told that affairs start with an explosion of sex and the messy things like who gets the kids and the CD collection comes a long way down the line. Well, my wife having explosive sex is about as likely as the Pope buying Asia Babes magazine.

So, here lies a quandary. If my wife is having explosive sex on Shaun the Scaffolders pole, I need to find out. So, my newly found love, the Internet, has turned up a few tantalising pieces of undercover ‘Simon Templar’ gadgets that will come in handy.

Having decided on the appropriate piece of equipment I set about a plan. So here it is, have you ever seen such a thing? It’s a SIM card reader, that once inserted into a PC, will read the last 20 deleted texts from a mobile phone. Fan-friggin-tastic.

This is going to be almost as much fun as when I accidentally placed a large portion of smoked haddock under her car bonnet. “I was really pissed off at the time!” She blamed it on someone at work. One of her understudy rivals she thought, jealous of her cold-blooded success.

The excitement slightly turned to fear while reading the instructions. In order to read the sordid texts between her and her waist-hanging tool bag lover, I would need to do the following without anyone noticing: find the offending phone, remove the SIM card-taking off the battery cover and place into a USB device. Then, take this to the PC, insert, and perform a 3-minute program that reads the SIM and places the info on my computer. Then, remove the SIM from the PC, return to the mobile phone and replace the battery.

WHAT! That is a 20-minute operation that even the SAS would turn their noses up at. My wife and her mobile phone are attached like Torvill and Dean. This will take some planning, but having recently watched a re-run of ‘Steven Seagal’ movies, I have an idea…..