The Aliens Have Landed!

The village where I live is pleasant, quiet, and low in traffic pollution. Five miles away is the nearest town. It is not pleasant, quiet, and low in traffic pollution. On a recent visit I noticed something peculiar. Aliens had taken over the town. Yes aliens!

The first wave started early in the morning with a few human looking types wearing reflective jackets operating under the guise of council workmen. They were digging dubious holes by the side of the road and this was without doubt the preparatory hideouts or lairs for the incoming invaders. These ‘workmen impostors', were so convincing that they even had lunch breaks spanning hours and left there cones unattended for days under the pretence of ‘men at work’.

Weeks later when their job was finally done, across the town, the aliens arrived, as predicted. Not exactly as advanced as I was hoping and the provisions I had made at home of six months supply of bottled water and canned baked beans may not have been necessary.

With a large yellow square head, one evil eye staring unflinchingly and standing awkwardly on a single leg, the aliens slowly and clandestinely came to life zapping all in their path. They were just like my 'legal eagle' wife, cold and calculated and picked on the vulnerable, those that had money in their pockets but would not bother defending themselves. It was, “the invasion of the speed cameras”.

My local town had surcome to their seductive powers of extracting cash from the middle classes while driving down a dual carriageway, coincidently and without prior warning, re-classed as a 40 mph limit.

The aliens had been strategically placed, not outside a school or a busy pedestrianised side street, but on a main un-urbanised, non-pedestrian thoroughfare into town, on the basis that there was once an accident on that very road involving a horse-drawn carriage and a rabbit in 1876.

Now why would one place a speed camera on a dual carriageway going into town ‘immediately after’ the speed limit reduces from 70mph to 40mph and not in the place where the alleged carriage/rabbit incident occurred? Let me guess!

More bizarrely, one of the other cameras is positioned on the opposite carriageway located just a yard or two before the 40mph increases to 70mph. They are so obviously and unashamedly placed in such a way as to generate revenue-on the pretence of road safety-that it would have been just as easy to place a Council ‘highwayman’ on the side of the road demanding, “your money or you licence”.

Being in the throws of a deep and invigorating midlife crisis I have decided to buy a chainsaw and rubber lined boots.

4 comments:

  1. GREAT
    leave no witnesses and say you were at home watching a rented dvd you got 2 days prior to the event and due back 3 days later. A clear alibi. Make sure you do not bring your mobile phone and keep it turned off while your "watching the movie"
    That way "they" can not trace any incoming/outgoing transmissions from a tower that could be not near your home. If its turned off, that covers any questions "they" ask, like why didnt you answer it.:D

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  2. yeah the good old English government fucking people over again. Did you know that 80% of fines go to the police, and that the police are a PRIVATELY run organisation.....
    "HOW CAN WE GET SOME OVERTIME IN THIS MONTH BOYS. I NEED A NEW T.V"
    "I KNOW.... WE CAN INVENT SOME NEW LAWS THAT WE WILL HAVE TO 'POLICE'.
    "GOOD IDEA P.C COCKFACE, LETS PUT SOME SPEED CAMERAS ON 60 ROADS AND REDUCE THE SPEED LIMIT TO 40, THIS IS BOUND TO PAY FOR MY NEW SHED NEXT MONTH, HA HA HA!

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  3. I see half a dozen of those traffic cameras a day where I live. Everybody is always in such a rush, we all have to learn to slow down sometimes.

    Reminds me of those people who are constantly changing lanes and over-taking others on the freeway. I'm not changing lanes and yet I'm still keeping up with them very easily.

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  4. Don’t worry Danny. With that paper bag on your head they don’t have any evidence.

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