The Funfair and Chavs....

I’ve been to the funfair, the wife, and two kids in tow. The funfair is great. I love it. But have you noticed how funfair rides no longer take old-fashioned hard cash. Nope. They only take tokens. Now why is that?

Well, lets see. Would you go on a fairground ride that looked like it was built by the Soviets and maintained by an Irish Tarmac Gang? Thought not. But, what about if it was only 4 tokens a ride. Four measly tokens. That doesn’t sound so bad after all.

So, I bought twenty tokens for £10. Sounds very reasonable and I was always fond of those Irish lads with a bit of extra tarmac left over from another job.

My boy was desperate to go on the rollercoaster. My daughter was not so keen but being 2 years older was not about to be upstaged by her sickly kid brother. Me, being considerably older, I was quite happy about being upstaged by two scruffy kids, no problem there. Unfortunately, neither was old enough to ride without the supervision of a suitable blood-rush donor. The wife wants to ride too, what fun!

Strapped to the back of a 40mph rusted cart, built on a track that even Stephenson would have been concerned with, masquerading as safe, fun, family entertainment.

“16 tok’ins please mayte”! Why is it, no matter where you are in the UK every fairground ride attendant speaks with a south London accent. Mind-boggling! Now the token system starts to make sense. Having tokens means that you don’t feel like you are being fleeced for 8 quid for one ride. What do you do with the remaining 4 tokens, 2 screaming kids and nagging wife? Buy more tokens. Brilliant!

Chips! (You don’t get French fries at the funfair). “Freshly cut every day”. You can’t argue with that. Until you taste them. Funfair chips, freshly cut every day, maybe, but not necessarily used for as couple of months. Sour ice cream. Chewy candyfloss. Grab a teddy machine’s, which never quite made it through the quality control checks. Those grabbers! I’ve seen more strength in the fist of an old age pensioner with Parkinson’s. One tiny shabby teddy made by a disabled Korean Grandmother in 1976, cost me £7 in 20p coins.

The most interesting bit about the funfair is the sudden change of clientele at about 4pm. Off go the families for tea and the teenage couples head off for the back seat of a 10 year old Ford Fiesta. In come Dean and Tracy from Mandela House and the White Swan Estate. Dean with his top shirt tied around his waist showing off his beer tub torso, tattoos of his football team logo and an ex called Lisa forever, on his forearm. Not to mention a strut the size of a tall ship in rough seas.

She, with a copper bronze fake tan from Pound Stretcher and ten pounds of McDonalds saturated fat hanging over the top of her two sizes, too small jeans. Nice. My Daughter tells me they are called Chavs.

I love the funfair.

A Secret Admirer?

One of my admin girls fancies me!

All the signs are there. She has it bad. She smiles when she sees me. Laughs at my crap jokes. Does exactly what I ask of her. Never complains. Always willing. Makes me tea for no reason, she just does it. It’s been going on for weeks. What a girl!

You’re thinking: she’s my admin girl and therefore, is paid to be willing, laughs at my jokes because I’m her boss and makes me tea because she is fishing for promotion. NEVER. If I were her age, 26, I wouldn’t have noticed, she isn’t my type.

When you are 40 something and suffering from midlife crisis disease, everyone who shows a fleeting interest potentially fancies you, and everyone is ‘your type’ and she is……

You have to remember that while at home with the wife, the only attention I get is when something around the house needs fixing or she needs some money for new clothes. Let me clarify, ‘attention ’, doesn’t mean sex. No, No. I’d have to buy her a new car for that or try out my ‘prostitute theory’ as mentioned in another post.

Back to my admin girl: Single. Blonde. A fan of heavy make up, in fact, when she says she puts her face on in the morning, I think she ‘literally ’ does.

In reality, where I occasionally visit, I can’t have an affair with her. a. Because she doesn’t actually fancy me, it’s all a wicked trick of the mind designed to make me feel good. b. She works for me. Never poke the payroll! Oh and I nearly forgot. c. I’m married with 2 kids, not that that has stopped half the population in the past. Why should I be any different?

I have this strange feeling people in the office are laughing at me while I sub-consciously (or consciously), flirt, smile and pretend I’m a fun, happy-go-lucky middle aged guy who never really grew up (sad Muppet in other words). I start laughing at her jokes even when she hasn’t made any. I’m embarrassing myself. Yet, I can’t stop....

Is it possible that a 26 year old would fancy a 40 something openly having a crisis, mentally and physically? She might feel sorry for me and I could capitalise on this. Maybe she’s after promotion. Would I shag my admin girl if I knew it was purely for financial and personal gain-on her behalf? Hell yes. I’m having a mid-life crisis after all!